[Ed: For the text averse or link averse, the synopsis of this story is as follows:
- Mathematicians, Astronomers, Cosmologists, Physicists, and Poets agree on startling new findings
- Observation satellites have confirmed cosmic echo from "big bang"
- The universe is large, bowl-shaped, filled with clumpy dark matter, and slowly spiraling toward a common center
- A large, intergalactic-scale puff of Lysol Spray is sure to follow